Everything we do, we do for the feeling we believe we will gain from doing the thing.
What do we gain from some of our behaviours? What am I gaining from this action or belief?
Are you a martyr?
Martyr: To act like someone who deserves admiration or sympathy due to being treated badly.
Self-imposed suffering and persecution to feel good.
Hello, My Friends
When we ask ourselves great questions we get amazing answers.
Sometimes these answers are not easy to hear, or to deal with.
This week I have been asking the question, “What am I gaining from this?”
Last week I talked about arguing and how to argue well.
This question is an offshoot from that.
“What am I gaining from this behaviour?”
“What am I gaining from this situation?”
Recently I have caught myself playing the Martyr.
“What do I gain from being/playing the martyr?”
Can you relate? Do you play the martyr sometimes, or do you live with or work with people who play the martyr?
What actually is a martyr?
It is to act like someone who deserves admiration or sympathy because of being badly treated.
Wow! No wonder we put ourselves into drama and situations that allow us to be treated badly.
Remember, everything we do, we do for the feeling we believe we will gain from doing that thing.
So drama and being treated badly gives us the feeling of power and attention when they tell us how hard we are doing life.
A hidden upside to keeping drama and unhelpful situations in our lives.
As I have looked into the depths of my being over the last week, I see that martyrdom has had a strong hold in my life, and as I shine the light of enlightened thought on my motives it is becoming more evident, that I play the martyr way too often for my authentic being to flourish.
I am on the personal growth journey along with each one of you, it is powerful, scary and humbling.
The particular flavour of martyrdom that is showing up for me at the moment is my apparent willingness to go without.
To make someone else happy, or to put up with something to elicit a response or feeling from someone else.
I have been using martyrdom as a form of controlling others.
Can you relate to this? Did you know guilt and shame are also part of the martyrdom arsenal?
Guilt and shame like to silence people and keep them small, my brain is telling me not to share, because I’ll be exposed.
Authentic Living is about being true to who we are.
Guilt and shame are part of the human experience, and as such we are able to manage them.
By playing the martyr, I don’t have to own the things I really want. It allows me to divert my wants and needs onto others, it gives me the sense of not being in charge of my own life.
It takes my ability to respond authentically away from me and gives it to someone else.
This means I end up being the victim of circumstances I have created, and which I blame onto others.
A martyr will unnecessarily sacrifice their wants and needs for others to fulfill the wants and needs of others. Martyrdom is not helpful for developing a healthy self-esteem.
As a martyr in the sense I have explained above, (and there are others forms of martyrdom) a martyr believes (incorrectly) that others are more important than they are.
That their needs don’t count, that their opinion is invalid, and they feel like they have no say over how their live is being lived.
The sad side of playing the martyr is the rewarding feelings gained from the recognition and acclaim received from others. Others make comments like, “you poor thing, that must be so hard for you.”
or “You are so good for giving so much of your time and money to help.”
This feeds the need to feel needed and appreciated.
A self-imposed martyr will often seek out suffering and persecution, even when there is none, so they can feel ‘good’ about themselves.
This behaviour is harmful and filters into every interaction had with other people.
This belief that self sacrifice, being selfless and being kind, will somehow make us acceptable and worthy people , perpetuates the cycle.
The less worthy we feel, the more we feel we ‘have to’ give and sacrifice to feel better.
Martyrdom is seated in the belief of unworthiness.
A martyr feels they are not worthy unless they are giving something. They feel unworthy of love, unworthy of acceptance, and unworthy of pleasure and joy.
By self imposed sacrifice, by pleasing people, and giving to others they hope to get their needs met. This never works.
Worthiness comes from within our selves, it is the authenticness of who we are. That we are good enough just as we are, without having to prove it to anyone, except ourselves.
Hiding behind martyrdm allows you to blame others and make them scapegoats for your inadequacies, your failures and your disappointments.
The way through martyrdom is to accept and name that it is a belief that is running in your life. (no judgement)
Realise it is seated in a belief of unworthiness.
And that you are worthy, you were born worthy, you are worthy because you are. And the only person you have to prove your worth to is yourself. (which by the way is the most difficult person as well.)
To begin to prove your worth to yourself begin to take responsibility for what you want, for the decisions you make, for how you are feeling, for what you are thinking, and the actions you take or the actions you don’t take.
Today’s Challenge is to start small, by admitting to yourself what you really do want, or really don’t want. At this stage you don’t have to share what you want with anyone, just know it for yourself.
Be authentic to your inner self.
What do you gain from being or playing the martyr?
If you want help to overcome martyrdom, guilt or shame contact me by email for one on one coaching.
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Until next time my friends… Live your life authentically, you are the only one who can live your life feeling worthy.
As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way.
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