Ep #11 The way we argue …

The way we argue says a lot about our emotional maturity and the way we have been trained to handle conflict.
Often we are not trained how to deal with our emotions around arguments and conflict.
Let’s have a peek at the way we argue.

Welcome to Authentic Living Coaching, The Podcast, I’m your hostess, Linda Codlin

I am a certified life coach, and the founder of Authentic Living Coaching.
I am passionate about helping you to help yourself.
It is my intention that each and every one of us has the information we need to make the best decisions about the way we choose to live our lives.
Living life on your terms, and being your authentic self.

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Hello, My Friends

How do you respond when you find yourself in a heated discussion? (An argument)

Everyone has an opinion, and the way that opinion is expressed has an impact on the result of the discussion.

We are all trained from a young age how to deal with conflict and arguing.
If you have siblings, do you remember creating scenes that started arguments, were you an under cover stirrer?
You were practicing your argumentative skills.
If you were the sibling on the receiving end of these scenes designed to rile a response from you, you were also learning about arguing and getting your voice heard.
If you were the parent who had to intervene, just to get some peace. (I know exactly how you feel.) You also were practicing and teaching the skills on how to deal with an argument.

Some of the ways we learned were effective and some were not.
Most of us as adults, unless we have had reason for work, or in our personal lives, to investigate conflict resolution, haven’t had much training on how to say what we want to say, to back up our point of view, and to influence the outcome of a disagreement.

Today I want to talk about a few unhelpful ways you may respond in an argument, or disagreeable situation, and offer suggestions for consideration on how to be heard, and still respect yourself and the other participant of the discussion.

Do you avoid?
By avoid I mean, do you shut down? Do you let the other person have the floor, as you disengage from the conversation?
Do you physically excuse yourself and leave?
Do you say nothing out loud, but have your brain screaming a response on the inside?

An avoider, will often vent to a third, fourth, or fifth party. Seeking out someone to agree with them.
An avoider, may use passive aggressive behaviours to get their point across. Like giving someone the cold shoulder, ignoring them even when they are being polite.
Or they may, deliberately go out of their way to make a point of subtlely sabotaging anything the person they disagreed with is working on.
All the while the other person of the argument has no idea, that they have a wounded party in their midst.

Sometimes an avoider will not say something when an issue arises, as they see it or feel it. Thinking they are side stepping conflict, to have it fester, and boil under the surface, and explode at a later, and often inappropiate time and in a manner that causes more hurt or harm.

Do you go into defence mode?

If you feel you have to defend yourself, your trip wire or a trigger has been activated.
Some one has stepped into a personal hot spot, whether deliberately or by accident and you are feeling vulnerable and needing to protect yourself.
How do you act when you are in defensive mode?
Do you shut down as the avoider does? Or do you come out swinging, ready for a battle?
Do you attack the other person, personally? Reminding them of all their faults and flaws, how they are not as good as they seem.
Do you draw on history? (long history, or short history) to take the heat off yourself.
When you are feeling defensive do you ever stop and ask yourself what the issue is, and whether you have contributed to it in any way?
Often when defensive mode has been activated, all common sense leaves the table and blame takes it’s place.
Conflict and arguments do not get resolved when blame comes to play.
How do you defend yourself, when you feel attacked?
Do you become larger than life, hands on hips, standing on tip toes?
Do you become loud, raising your voice, making sure you are heard?
Do you become physical, slapping the table, waving a fist at someone, using aggressive techniques to get your point across?
Do you become submissive, arms across your chest and head down, looking meek, even though you are not submitting?
Do you use tears or some form of physical activity to deflect the strong emotions you may be feeling?

These are all learned ways of handling conflict and arguments.
Generally these methods do not give you a sense of inner peace and the feeling you have been heard powerfully.

Arguing successfully is learning to listen to your own body first.
What is your body telling you about this situation?
Take a few seconds to get in touch with how you are feeling, how your body is reacting?
Often when we are in avoidance or defensive modes, we are running on gut instinct, the instinct that we have been trained to run on.
Sometimes it is wise to check in and see if your instinct is being helpful.
What is the purpose of the argument, discussion?
Is it for information, or to prove a point that they or you are right?
If it is to prove a point, why do you or they need to be right? Where is the middle ground of agreement?
Watching people trying to get their point across, and stepping into their shoes for a moment can help you gain perspective on what is so important to them about this topic.
By asking what belief is being challenged, knowingly or not, can give some understanding to the reaction or strength of response, especially when either you or they are overreacting.

People who care argue for what they care about.
Learning to understand where the caring is coming from gives power to the conversation.
Everything we do, we do for the feeling we believe we will gain from the doing.
When we are arguing, we are generally protecting something we believe will be taken from us, a feeling that by losing something dear to us, our lives will somehow be less than it was before.

No-one can take away your internal power unless you let them.
Arguing, disagreeing and not listening will take your power from you.
The way to take your power back and not give it away is to be aware of what feeling, what belief and what trigger has been activated.

You are responsible for your feelings, and you get to create the feeling you are arguing for by the way you are thinking.

That is where a coach comes in, as a coach I help you to see where you are being triggered, what you believe, and how to create a feeling on purpose.
I help you to stand in your power.

Your challenge for this week is to become aware of what you are arguing for, and how you respond in times of conflict.
Awareness is the beginning of change.

When you are ready to change, connect with me for coaching.

Have a fabulous day my friends. Until next time…

Live your best life, with your authentic power.

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Thank You for listening.

oxoxo Linda

This is Linda your hostess signing off until next time.

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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