Martyrdom: The story behind the story.

Often the story we tell ourselves about an event or a situation isn’t the complete story.
Often there is so much more going on behind the scenes.
Today we look at three questions you can ask yourself to find out the story behind the story.

Welcome to Authentic Living Coaching, The Podcast, I’m your hostess, Linda Codlin

I am a certified life coach, and the founder of Authentic Living Coaching.
I am passionate about helping you to help yourself.
It is my intention that each and every one of us has the information we need to make the best decisions about the way we choose to live our lives.
Living life on your terms, and being your authentic self.

Hello, My Friends. Welcome to Episode number 12. Martyrdom and the story behind the story.

Today I want to talk about Martyrdom and the story behind the story.

Over the last few days I’ve written a couple of posts about playing the martyr and 20 ways to identify a martyr, I’ll link these at the bottom of todays podcast.

Now, what exactly is a story. To be able to identify the story, that lives behind the story we tell ourselves, we must have a definition.
I love a good definition.
The definintion I am using for today is: A story is a string of thoughts we put together to tell ourselves or others an account, imaginary or real of events, generally from our past.

This week I’ve been looking at how playing the role of the martyr is active in my life.
While I was having a conversation with my hubby the other day, I noticed myself reacting in a certain way, an ungracious way. As the discussion wasn’t going the way I wanted, I found myself throwing in the towel, giving in and adding a whole lot of martyr stories, like if you want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself, with a heafty sigh added for emphasis.
Very Interesting.
This became the clue that I needed to investigate the story my brain was telling me.
To take a look a look at the role I was playing, in playing the martyr, and where this story came from, how it shows up for me, how it benefits me, and what the belief is that perpetuates this story?

For me words belong on paper so I can see them, with this scene I journaled my thoughts.
I asked myself the question, What benefit do I GAIN from playing the martyr.
Remember: Everything we do, we do for the feeling we believe we are going to gain from doing the thing.
So what was the feeling I was gaining from playing the role of martyr in my life?
This is a good question to ask yourself if you want to know what the real reason you are doing what you are doing.

When looking at the story, behind the story of my playing the role of martyr, I discovered stories like, “I’m so hard done by””, I never get what I want.”
“I always have to give in, to keep the peace.”
These stories are not true, they are what my brain is telling me, to keep me safe in my cave. Remember the brains job is to keep us safe, and staying in the status quo is safe to the brain.

The definition I am using of martyr is… to act like someone who deserves admiration or sympathy because of being treated badly.

So, when the discussion with my hubby wasn’t going the way I wanted, my thoughts kicked into the story that I have to give up what I really want, so he can have what he wants.
Can you hear the martyr in that statement. The self-sacrificingness, the self-righteousness, and how I believed I deserved a medal for letting him have his own way at my expense.
Now, let me give you the full story, the side that my brain was omitting from the conversation.
While I was in total over reaction mode and deep in the drama response to not getting what I wanted, the truth is, I hadn’t even told hubby what I wanted.
How was he supposed to take into account what I wanted, when I didn’t say what I wanted. That’s how martyrdom works my friends. It omits part of the story.

Can you relate? Does the martyr show up in your conversations some times?
By playing the role of the martyr I was allowing myself to give my power away, I was giving the responsibility to my hubby, and with that the blame, the guilt and shame if it went pear shaped and it would have because he didn’t have all the details.

As I have been looking at the story behind the story of playing the role of the martyr, I discovered that the opposite of playing the martyr was being worthy.
Worthy people take responsibility for themselves, for their wants, for their actions, thoughts and beliefs.
Worthy people know they have nothing to prove to anyone except themselves.
Worthy people know they were born worthy, and nothing they can or can’t do will add value to their lives, they are already valuable.

When you feel worthy you are willing to state what you want, you are willing to take responsibility for what you want, you are willing to be strong and powerful, and you are willing to own up to your part in the situation you are in, and to take full responsibility for living your life in a way that feels authentic to you.

Part of being responsible for our lives is to have standards, standards that enhance our growth and creates more evidence of our worthiness.

For me this week, one of my elevated standards has been to state out loud, in a positive and constructive manner what I really want. To take back the power I gave away.
And as I do this, it is my job to look at the feelings that arise and the thoughts that go with those feelings. These are the stories behind the façade of martyrdom that I tell myself

Authenticity is about being honest with ourselves.
Seeing the truth behind the façade that we show to others for fear of disappoval, judgment, rejection, all the emotions of a low self-worth.

Do you play the role of the martyr?
Changing the stories you tell yourself, about your situation creates the opportunity for growth and change.
Ask yourself these questions to get yourself started.
Actually, really write these out and ask yourself them over the course of the day, and note your answers, both in your body and your thoughts.

1) What is really going on here?
2) What do I really want to see, feel, be and do?
3) What would it feel like to be worthy of love, affection, attention, and control?

Sit with the thoughts that come up for you.
Stepping away from martyrdom and loving yourself authentically gives you freedom, choice and harmony.

Your Challenge for today is to make a list of things you love to do, people you love to be with, and things that always make you smile.
Then do a little more of these each day.

oxoxox Linda

Have a fabulous day my friends. Until next time…

Live your best life, authentically doing the things that bring you joy and pleasure.

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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What do you gain from playing the martyr?

20 Ways to identify a Martyr.