Creating Boundaries with Respect

Do you have difficulty in setting authentic boundaries?
The red velvet rope policy empowers you to define what you really want.
How you want to be treated.
This week I give you a few pointers on setting boundaries for yourself.

Welcome to Authentic Living with Linda
I’m Linda Codlin

Welcome, My Friends.

Stress comes, and it goes.
How do you handle the stresses of life? Not your every day stress, but the unexpected, take your breath away, “I didn’t expect that.” kind of stress.
Today’s power thought from ‘The Pivot Year’ by Brianna Wiest is talking about the peace within, the peace that rests behind the storm.
This is where mastering your mind is invaluable.

This has been a week of the unexpected.

Trusting people to do what they need to do in a timely manner.
Choosing not to stress, choosing not to worry, and choosing not feel anxious.
All the above responses have a physical energy attached to them that affects your body.
Learning how to mindfully work with your mind can subvert these unnecessary emotions and feelings.
Feeling stressed, worried, or anxious have no effect on the result. But they do have an effect on how you manage yourself with others.

Today I want to talk about setting boundaries with respect.

I like the term my coach taught me, instead of using the term boundary, which can seem very rigid to some.
She suggested we use the RED VELVET ROPE POLICY.
This policy decides what behaviour or code of conduct is suitable behind the velvet rope.
As with the Oscar’s, those with an invite are welcome, they also have been given a time frame, a dress code, and an outline of what is acceptable behaviour.
The invitation into our lives, needs to be as well defined as the invite to the Oscar’s.

When we invite people and situations into our lives, we often do it without any thought of what we are allowing into our personal space.

There are 5 questions, I recommend you ask yourself.
If you find you have people or situations that are stressing you out, making you feel angry, or any strong emotion, especially what is commonly classed as a ‘negative’ emotion.

These emotions tend to be trying to tell us that someone has violated one of our core values.
To begin with respect, is to begin with treating yourself with dignity, using your discretion, applauding your abilities and qualities, and to protect and care for yourself.

First, above all else. (If you can’t look after yourself, how can you look after anyone else.)

Question #1. What are my authentic needs and feelings around this person or situation?
Remember every thing we do, we do for the feeling we believe we will gain from doing it. What are your expectations or yourself or others?
What is the purpose of this visit, interaction or meeting? What is the purpose of the social gathering you’re planning to attend?
This will hep you to determine your needs and your feelings, also it will allow you to be clear on the type of interactions with people and situations that you are engaging in.

Question #2. What do I expect to gain from my actions, feelings, and emotions?

Also What am I expecting to gain from their actions, feelings and emotions.
A) You may give someone a ride to the shopping centre.

They need a ride and you’re going that way. It’s no big deal or hassle, so you offer a ride and they get to choose yes or no. Either way makes no difference to you.
B) You are going to an appointment, but not to the shopping centre.

You have taken them before so they presume you will take them again.
This time you don’t want to offer a ride, and don’t, the person expecting a ride gets annoyed.
Your expectations and their expectations are completely different.
They are expecting a ride based on your past willingness to provide one for them. They are assuming that you’ll continue this pattern.
Your expectation is that your prior actions don’t create an automatic assumption that you will give rides in the future whenever they need it.
Your focus is on your commitment, which is the appointment.
Where this turns into a complication is in the lack of direct communication, which can be due to a number of emotions.
You may feel obliged, or guilty because you have done it before but don’t want to now, you may feel put upon and feel that if you don’t give them a ride you are somehow less worthy as a person. You may feel it is your responsibility to help this person because you are able and they have a valid need.
You may feel like you should give them a ride, because you are a kind person, nice person, the helper person. These are all fine when you want to do something genuinely, it is not so good, when you are expecting an emotional pay off, from the recipient or yourself in the form of self- validation of your worth, self-esteem and self-image, for your actions.
Do you expect the person you are giving a ride to feel obliged to you, overly grateful, that they should be telling you how good you are for giving them a ride. Do you secretly believe that they are indebted to you in some way? These are especially subtle feelings and emotions, and often take a fair amount of repetition to show up.

Question #3 Do I feel safe in the presence of this person or in this situation?

What are my safety options for removing myself from threatening situations.
Evaluate your gut feeling, tap into your inner sense of safety and comfort with the individual or situation. If you feel uneasy or have any doubts, always prioritize your safety first.

Physical or emotional safety.

Set up your red velvet rope in advance to give you an out if you need one.
Using the example above, you are the person being asked if you want a ride, you have been in the car with them before, and you feel unsafe with the way they drive. You can easily decline the offer. Just say “no”. If you are pressured to give a reason, you could use a pre-made up excuse, to excuse yourself from taking the ride. Or you could always tell the honest truth, most people I know would have a plausible reason why they don’t want a ride already prepared.
If you are feeling unsafe in a particular place you could phone a friend to meet you, or collect you. You could have a preplanned emergency exit plan, a code to call a parent or friend, call a cab.

Make your plan before you go, so you know in advance what you will do if you feel unsafe.

Question #4. What is my red velvet rope policy?

Clearly define your policy for yourself.

What are you willing to allow?

What is a hard, definite No?

Then clearly communicate your expectations and boundary to those who need to be aware of the boundary.
It would be great to share these policies before they are broken or stepped over, so the other party know what is expected of them.
Consider aspects like privacy, what is acceptable and what is not, alone time, where and how this looks and feels for you.

The level of intimacy you are comfortable with, your personal space, invasive and personal questions, hot topics of conversation and how much physical contact you are willing to allow.

Question #5 Am I emotionally prepared for what is expected of me?
Assess your emotional state, are you stressed, and need alone time, or are you ready to share your space with people you don’t know that well, or do you just want to spend time with your best buddies.
What is the level of your relationship with these people? How familiar are you with them? Do you trust them?
Remember not all people or relationships are worthy of your time and energy in the same way. Each relationship has differing levels of access to your personal space and life, a best friend has a closer relationship to you, than someone you have just met.

The red velvet rope policy helps you to know what is acceptable and what isn’t.
It enables you to voice clearly your expectations with respect.
It enables you to establish clear lines of definition on your actions and their actions, and what will happen if your velvet rope isn’t respected.
It clarifies each persons responsibilities, each person knows in advance what they are accountable for. And what may happen if they don not follow through with the responsibility they are accountable for.
The red velvet rope policy is a policy that keeps you safe, that determines what you want and what you expect from yourself.
It also lets other people know how to treat you, and that you will not accept anything less than what you are worthy of.

Until next time my friends. Set one policy of your red velvet rope, work out the actions required, notify yourself and those who need to know about the new policy, make it enjoyable, supportive and emotionally satisfying.

oxoxo Linda.

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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