Safe Words for Safe Communication.

Do you have times when you just can’t get your message across?
Your emotions are too raw to share with another.
Sometimes a safe-word gives space and time for processing.
This weeks blog is about communicating.

Welcome to Authentic Living with Linda
I’m Linda Codlin

Welcome, My Friends.

Life has a wonderful way of firing curved balls at us, especially when we begin to think we have an area of our lives sorted.
I wonder if these curved balls are to see exactly how we will respond when they come out of the blue, unexpected and unwanted.
This week hubby and I have had one such curve ball.
I am feeling pretty pleased with the way we have continued to communicate with each other, even through difficult times.

As a bit of background, I was the woman who would shut down, close up, shove emotions and feelings way down inside.
If hubby asked what was wrong I was the woman, who with hands on hips, lips pursed, and heavy frown, say, “Nothing!”
This would be said like a threat, a do not come any closer type deal.

Working with loving my authentic self, I am now able to acknowledge I am having an emotion.
Whether it is a lovely emotion or a horrid emotion, I acknowledge it is an emotion, I know that having an emotion will not hurt me, especially if I work with it immediately.
I often don’t have to act on the emotion, I just need to let that emotion know it has been seen.

Learning to listen to my body helps.
I know my body will always show me where my emotion is sitting, where the tension is.
This week it has been sitting in my head. Years ago I wouldn’t have been able to tell you where the feelings were in my body.

This takes a bit of practice and learning a vocabulary of feeling or emotion words. Often we can feel the feeling, but we are not taught the language of emotions.

We are taught that certain feelings are unacceptable, but not to name the nuances of these emotions.
For example you may be feeling angry. Anger is a cover emotion. What are you angry about? What is underneath the anger?
Did someone violate one of your authentic values? Are you feeling betrayed, humiliated, lonely, or scared.
Finding the true emotion behind the surface emotion takes having a word to name it, and knowing where it sits in your body.

Communicating effectively in a close relationship, can feel scary.
Allowing someone else to see and be a part of your raw authentic emotions, untempered, vulnerable and open can be challenging.

How can we allow someone else to be a part of something so personal, when we can’t be that honest with ourselves?
Sometimes our raw emotions can be triggering for ourselves, or for the other person we are sharing with.
Sharing our raw emotions is not giving our responsibility to anyone else, it does not include judgement, blaming, or wanting someone to fix you or the problem. You are sharing your emotions, because you are having an emotion.

It is in triggering moments that you and your significant other, could use what I call a safe word.

A safe word, is a word that both of you have previously agreed upon to allow you safe space to process the conversation or facts, or your emotions about their emotions.

It is not abandonment, it means either you or your partner need a break from the current interaction, to give space to prevent either of you saying things you might regret later.

For example a safe word might be Switzerland, (neutral ground) the name of a fruit, (banana, pear) you might use a gesture like snapping your fingers. Your safe word needs to be appropriate for the two of you, or if you are using it with your family, suitable for children to remember.
It needs to be easily and readily understood by everyone. And everyone knows what it means, and what happens next if it is used.
A safe word can be as simple as STOP!, or if you want something a little more ambiguous to others, you could use the traffic light system.
Red means stop. Yellow means proceed with caution, and green means more please.
Safe words can be used with teens, they have a specific word to text or message, they get to use this word if they feel unsafe, or are facing a dangerous situation and need a phone call or a pick up.

Effective communication is listening to what is being said, and listening to the emotion of what the conversant isn’t saying.
As I mentioned above, I would tell Hubby,”I’m fine, that nothing was wrong” However if he was listening to my body and my energy, he would know I’m not fine, and that something was very wrong.
Effective communication in this situation for me would be for him to reach out, hold my hand, or put a hand on my shoulder.
Creating a physical connection with me.

Some times physical connection is a bridge that helps people to let down their walls, or to know that they are not alone, and that they are okay, with all their emotions.
We are human, and all humans, need connection. Even the angry, prickly pears need to feel that someone understands them.

Be an effective communicator by creating a safe place for your family, or loved ones to be able to express their thoughts and emotions with you.
Create an environment for active listening, teach and role model listening with your heart.
Also ensure there are safe boundaries for everyone.
Choose a safe word for your partner and you, for your teens, or for your children.
Communication is having opportunities available to share, to support and to hug and understand.

Until next time, How do you hold space for your emotions?
How do you hold space for your partner’s emotions and thoughts?
Create a safe word, that you can use when discussions get heated.

xoxox Linda

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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