How do you Argue?

How do you argue?
What are the emotions that come up for you while you are trying to get your point heard?
What tactics do you use to calm yourself, so you can be part of the solution, rather than the problem?

When we change the way we communicate, we change society.

Clay Shirky

Hello, My Friends

This week has had me walking down memory lane, I cleared out a few more boxes of sentimental things, found more evidence of past beliefs.
It amazes me the things I believed to be true about myself, and the things that still trip me up.
Triggers are wonderful opportunities to see where your beliefs are. If you didn’t believe what some one was saying it wouldn’t have an effect on you.
So, when a trigger is activated it is an indication that emotional barbs are holding you to the trigger and it’s time to dive deeper into the emotion and feeling.

Today I want to ask you a question.
How do you argue?

Don’t tell me you don’t argue, I won’t believe you.
If there are people around you, you are bound to disagree with them at some point. How you show your disagreement says a lot about the person you are and your beliefs about yourself.
If you happen to be a happy hermit living on an isolated beach some where, what would I hear if I popped into your brain for a while. Do you argue with yourself? What does your self talk say about your relationship with you?

This week Hubby and I had an argument, he fell headlong into one of my triggers, I can’t tell if it was a deliberate poke of the sleeping bear or not, never the less the bear was poked.
I felt all the emotions, anger, disappointment, hurt, revenge, spite, resentment and fear.
I am a firm believer that I am completely responsible for my thoughts and my emotions. (No matter who poked the bear, or tripped over a trigger.) (I am human, and as such I have a wide range of emotions, and part of being responsible for me, is to investigate them as they surface for me.)

Coaching is about being real with yourself, even and maybe especially when it is uncomfortable and confronting.
The atmosphere in our home was chilly for a while, as I worked through my emotions, through the thoughts that were instigating the emotions that wanted to create a rebellion.

In this argument, there was hubby and me, having a discussion, that got heated.
One of us, if not both of us perceived we were losing something.
This got me thinking (in hindsight), about how many people where actually in this argument.

There were two bodies, (his body and my body), but there was so much more involved.
In my body I was having a vibrational reaction to the words being spoken.
In his body he was also having a vibrational reaction to the words being spoken.
In my mind, my brain was doing quick calculations on past similar times I was involved in arguments of a similar nature and how they turned out.
My brain was firing off energy in response to all the thoughts, bouncing around in my head. My body language shifted as the energy permeated my cells.
His mind and brain was doing the exact same thing.
However his experience and my experience of past eperiences, that may have been of a similar situation were vastly different. Each of us had our own history, our own upbringing, our own beliefs and in the heat of the argument neither of us was in a situation to be cool headed enough to realise we were in primal reaction, survival mode.
I was a threat to him, and he was a threat to me. At least according to our brains.
This perceived threat triggered our emotions, and emotions when triggered and out of control are very dangerous things.

So here is man and a woman, who love each other in the middle of a stand off argument.
Each having an emotional, physical and mental reaction to the other.
Good sense prevailed and we decided to let the topic sit for a while, so we could calm down. Giving each of us time to put a little space between ourselves, our thoughts, and our emotions.

In this argument there were at least four facets within each person, each of these facets were having an impact on the outcome. Whether we acknowledged them or not.
Our brain is a powerful tool, or a powerful weapon. We are the one who holds the power to decide which way we are going to use it.

For me, Journaling is a life saver. By getting all my thoughts, and the words that were said to me on paper, I get to put a bit of distance between my emotions and the situation.
I get to look at his point of view, and to look at my triggers.
To listen to my brain, both my inner critic and my inner supporter.

Are you aware of what you are thinking?
Are you aware of what drives you in an argument?
Where do your thoughts take you, when you are disagreeing with someone?
Your history, your upbringing, your perspective and your beliefs will have an impact on how you think, and how you feel and in how you react or respond.

Coaching is about everyday actions, being put through the filter of does this serve me or not.
Coaching is about asking yourself great questions to get great answers.

How do you argue?
How do you feel while you are arguing? Why?
How do you feel after the argument is resolved? Why?
What kind of things do you tell yourself, about yourself and those you are arguing with? Why?
What triggers you to react? Where does the trigger come from? Is it useful to your future life?

Your challenge for today is to answer these questions.
Sit with yourself and make your brain answer the questions, be aware of ‘the I don’t know’ trap. If you did know what would your reply be.
Don’t second guess your answer, let it be what it is.

Until next time… Become aware of the thoughts that trigger your emotional reactions.

Living life on your terms, is to become aware of how you are currently living and whether you like your life as it is.

oxoxo Linda.

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

If what I am sharing resonates with you, follow me, reach out, share with a friend, like or leave a message below,

When you are ready to make a transformational difference in your life, contact me for a one on one coaching session.

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