False Evidence Appearing Real.
or Focus, Enjoy, Attitude, Result.
You have the power to define how you feel about fear, and how fear motivates or sabotages your actions and beliefs.
Fear of being alone,
Fear of being stood up,
Fear of looking foolish,
Fear of looking out of place.
Fear is universal.
What is your flavour of fear?
Hello, My Friends
This has been an interesting week, with multiple challenges happening that are stretching me into new growth opportunities.
I’ve been thinking about fear.
False Evidence Appearing Real.
For me I’m having to face personal fears to stretch into the new growth opportunities before me.
Fear is universal.
Everyone feels fear at some point in their lives.
We all have a choice when it comes to feeling fear, we can allow the feelings, or sensations of fear to STOP us from achieving what we really want to do, have or be.
Or we can feel the fear and continue to move into the goal achieved.
Everyone feels fear, not everyone shows that they are feeling fear.
This got me thinking about the benefits of feeling fear and sharing that experience with others.
The other day I entered a speech contest, round two.
I was so nervous, my goal was to speak without notes.
I’d done my prep work, My colleagues told me that no-one but me would know if I stumbled or forgot parts of my speech.
“I would know”, my perfectionism chimed in. Yes but no-one else would unless I showed them or told them with my words or my body language.
I was thinking about that, how would they ever know how good I’ve become if they don’t know how bad I was to begin with.
They wouldn’t be able to give me the full credit for overcoming my fears.
Or they wouldn’t understand how much grit and determination it took to overcome my fears if I didn’t tell them.
Or they might misunderstand and think it was easy for me.
Why did it matter so much that other people knew how hard it was, how hard I had worked, how much effort was involved?
Why did I feel like I had to milk all the positive feelings from those around me?
Where was the reward if it wasn’t in the recognition of other people?
Subtle, so subtle. The motivation why we do what we do, determines the outcome we gain from the doing of what we do.
Did I enter this speech for the recognition?
No, I entered it for the experience and the growth that it would produce in me.
So, why was the recognition of how hard it had been, so important to me.
I know that the feeling of pride I had in myself for having a go, for succeeding at the objective I set for myself was enough, and yet I fell into the trap of attention seeking by sharing how difficult it was, and by comparing myself to where I was previously.
It was like the contrast of past failures, somehow gave more validation to my present success.
And with allowing myself to feel the pleasure of other people’s praise on how well I’d done, somehow diminished my sense of satisfaction.
I was feeding my sense of insecurity and neediness by seeking gratification from others.
Instead of giving myself that sense of satisfaction and validation, I stripped the feelings from myself and placed them on others.
I disrespected my ability to trust myself.
In sharing your success, your feelings and your insecurities with others, as part of your life journey to inspire, to motivate and to strengthen them and yourself you are not seeking self gratification.
There is a subtle difference in energy to telling people to get something back from themm, a sort of emotional ego stroking.
This is part of the people pleasing trap.
People pleasing is so gratifying because of the plaeasant feelings we get from helping others.
However people pleasing always has a sting in its tail, as most people pleasers struggle to maintain appropriate safe boundaries, and end up being manuipulated to give more than they want to give.
They have learned to please others at the expense to themselves, and in so doing end up feeling used, unappreciated, and stressed.
The people pleasing trap is very subtle, and is so alluring that it is easy to fall into it.
Even something as simple as sharing the difficulties of entering a speech competition, and being the second place getter, found me giving away my power.
And I am probably the only one who knows it. (Except now you all do.)
That’s the thing about fear. It is personal to each and every one of us.
We may label it the same as another person, but how we experience it is completely personal to the individual.
Fear is built on our past experiences, the stories we have been told and believed, the stories we tell ourselves, and believe about ourselves.
Fear is only as real as we allow it to be.
Most fear is generated in our minds eye.
When we give our mind something we really want to focus on, the fear can diminish giving us fuel to move forward.
At other times we need to use positive affirmations to remind ourselves that we can indeed do difficult things. A bit like a little mantra that we breathe to ourselves.
Like, I can do hard things, giving a speech is just like talking to one person in the audience. I have got what it takes.
Fear is not a reason to stop, it is a reason to keep on growing.
And if you find you need the accolades of other people, investigate why you feel you need others to validate you.
Focus, Enjoy, Attitude, Result.
Your challenge for this week is to go inside your mind and figure out who you depend on to validate your thoughts, your feelings and your beliefs. Then question if this validation from others empowers you to be your best self, or if it leaves you feeling dependant on others to feel good.
Until next time… BE true to yourself, face your fears and build evidence that you can tackle anything. Be your authentic self.
As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way.
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When you are ready to make a transformational difference in your life, contact me for a one on one coaching session.