“Should’s and Have to’s” Whose are they?

Hello, My friends,

Happy Queens Birthday Monday, it’s a public holiday here in New Zealand, the weather is wet, with a decided nippy chill in the air. It’s the week of the year when all the farm managers and labourers are on the move from one farm to another. My grandson turns six in a couple of days, we had the pleasure of his company over the weekend. It was a day of baking and learning new word games. I love the interaction of the children as they grow older. Spending time with my daughter, remembering her childhood and the memories that were made.

Over the last little while I’ve been thinking about expectations. What are they? Where do they come from? Are they good for me? What if I don’t live up to them?

As a mum there are things I’m expected to do, Who decided what mum’s “should” or “shouldn’t” do? What if I decided how I wanted to mother my children? What resistance would I face? Where would that resistance come from? That then sets off a whole new realm of questions. Am I willing to go against – family, friends, culture, current societal beliefs on how a child “should” be raised? Am I strong enough to withstand the judgments and comments from others, those looks of disapproval, the whispers behind back hands, the people who walk away as I approach.

Most of us don’t actually look at where the expectations on our lives come from. The “Shoulds” and “have to’s” . What if some of those shoulds and have to’s are actually stopping you from reaching your fullest potential? What if they are holding you back from being the great musician you know you can be? Or the published author of a New York best seller? Or the owner of a successful motor mechanic garage? Or the most upmarket hair stylist in town? Have you ever thought about the thing you most want to do, have or be in life and then thought, that won’t provide for my family, or my parents wouldn’t allow it, I’ve got responsibilities. etc,etc.

I’m suggesting taking a look at what expectations are in your life, are you placing them on yourself, and what expectations you have taken on board from other people. Ask yourself do these expectations take me closer to where I want to go. (Do you even know where you want to go?)

Some Expectations will be exactly what you want in life. You may want to be the head nutritionist cook in your family, ensuring your children are well fed with nutritious meals. You may want to practice the playing the piano two hours a day, as it fits in with your goal of being a concert pianist. You may want to write for an hour everyday, as it leads towards your desire of being a published author.

What if you are the person placing the expectations on others? What if people are not living up to what you want them to do, or be? The question then becomes, what need do you have that you want these people to fulfill? (And What if you filled that need for yourself?) Are you trying to control others behaviour to make you feel better?(What if you made yourself feel better?) Do you feel it is your responsibility to prevent them from making the same mistakes that you did? (How did you learn to get the wisdom you have?)

What would happen if you allowed people to live their lives, their way, making their own mistakes and having the ability to learn from them? What if you learned to live your life the way you really want to? If you took one hundred percent responsibility for everything you do, you think, you say. If every interaction with others was about you being responsible for yourself and letting them be responsible for themselves. Would you have more freedom?

I wonder if the place we live in would become more harmonious. As we realise we can only ever be completely in control or our thoughts and the actions that arise from those thoughts. Controlling other people always leaves someone as the victim, with expectations that they can not live up to, with the underlying, unspoken expectation that they are not good enough or smart enough to run their own lives, to get themselves out of debt, to find themselves a form of legal income, to lose the weight, to find the sweetheart of their dreams. What if we shone the torch light of love into some-one’s life and showed them the way to a better future, and it was up to them to take the next step without our pushing or pulling them along. It would free up the light giver to give light to those ready to step forward and it would free those who are not yet ready, to become ready, when it is their time.

I believe the more you resist something the more it sits in your life, by giving people the opportunity to be themselves, we free them to be who they are without limitations, and it also frees up us to be who we are without limitations.

Who are you without other people’s expectations? Who are you without limitations?

What will it take for you to have a go at being who you really want to be? To have what you really want to have? To do that something that’s been burning on the inside of you, that needs to be expressed? To be the person you know you can be?

Remember we believe what we think the most, we act out what we believe, our actions form our habits, and our habits form the type of life we live. Choose the best thoughts to create your best life.

My challenge for us this week is to have at look at the expectations we have on our lives from others, and also to look at the expectations we put onto other people’s lives.

Have a great week, Until next time be your most authentic self.

Linda Codlin