Setting Personal Limits and Boundaries

Do you have difficulty in setting boundaries?
How do you go about maintaining the boundaries you have set?
In this post I am sharing 5 ways you can set boundaries that are relevant to you, which will help you stick to them making them permanent.

Welcome to Authentic Living with Linda
I’m Linda Codlin

Welcome, My Friends.

The seasons have turned, it’s official, in New Zealand we are in autumn.
The trees are shedding their yellow, red and golden leaves. The carpet of colour is beautiful.
The flowers are winding down for their winter sleep time, the pigeons have just about completed their end of summer molt. The cats are gettig their winter coats and are looking very elegant.
The humans in our home are settling in, as the evenings are getting darker earlier and cooler sooner, we are adjusting our routines to compensate.

I am so grateful for our sunny home, it captures the sun all day long, especially in the living spaces.
The sunshine makes everything feel better. Do you agree?

Today I want to continue on with our health and wellbeing theme of setting personal limits and boundaries.
This is the number one thing that comes up in coaching all the time.
Human relationships. You with you, you with family, you with customers or clients, you with work colleagues, you with your boss, or supervisor, you with the project manager, you with friends, and you with acquaintances.
Your relationship with the person who bumped your car at the shopping centre. The random person who stepped in front of you at the checkout counter.
Every person we interact with, we use our personal limits and boundaries with, even if we are unaware of what they are.
We all have default thoughts and actions.

If we’re not enjoying the interactions we are having everyday, we have choices.
Today I want to give you a few ways you can investigate and evaluate your personal limits and boundaries.

Step back, be silent, be still, give yourself a breathing pause.
Often we don’t allow ourselves a second to think, we launch into the first thing that comes into our minds, or our body.
How often do you fly of the handle to find it wasn’t even the right handle?
How often do you say something you regret the moment it leaves your mouth and your ears register what you said.

Give yourself a countdown time. Start at 10 and count backwards to one, breathing on every count.
This does two things, it gives you time, and with conscious breathing you calm your nervous system, allowing more oxygen to your brain for clearer thinking.
Then you can decide on how you want to respond in a way that will benefit you, both now and in the future.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to have a predetermined plan on how you want to respond, especially if the situation is one that keeps repeating.

Here are 5 ways to give yourself better personal limits and boundaries.

Imagine you are a working professional who often finds yourself overwhelmed with tasks and commitments.

You may find yourself saying yes to last minute tasks, or you find that work colleagues are transferring the most difficult clients or projects to you.

1. REFLECT ON YOUR FEELINGS: How do you feel when you are stressed and over burdened by other people’s work?
   How do you feel when you are given short deadlines to complete complex projects?
   Take some time to reflect on your recent experiences, how are you feeling about the people you are interacting with daily, whether at work, at home, at the mall, or when you are out enjoying your leisure time?
   Notice any patterns of discomfort, resentment, or exhaustion that arise. Do they arise in particular situations or do you feel this way generally all the time?
   For example, you might notice you feel uptight, clenching your teeth and annoyed when someone talks over the top of you in a meeting, when you have been given the floor to speak.
   Or maybe you feel overwhelmed when you agree to take on additional projects at work without considering your existing workload.
2. IDENTIFY TRIGGERS: Pay attention to specific triggers that cause you stress or discomfort in your life.
   These could be certain interactions with colleagues or clients, your spouse/partner or your children.
   These triggers may come from unrelaistic expectations from others, or the constant pressure to be available or to perform in a certain way.
   You may find you are triggered by the feeling of unfairness, in the way you are treated. Or you may be triggered by certain conversations, body language, voice tone and pitch.
   Identifying these triggers will help you to create a response that gives you, the power to set healthy boundaries.
   For example: You might notice that you feel extremely anxious everytime your boss asks you to work late or to respond to emails during your personal time. Or you might notice you react to the way your children ignore your requests for them to take care of their sporting equipment.
3. ASSESS PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SIGNS: Tune into your body and emotions.
   Recognise physical and emotional signs or stress or exhaustion.
   These could include symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, irritability, sudden anger bursts, the need to eat when not hungry, lack of concentration and physical pains.
   Notice how your body reacts in different situations and environments. Do you feel tension in your shoulders when you feel over burdened?
   You may feel like you have been punched in the gut when someone deliberately puts you down and degrades your work.
   You feel breathless when you need to speak up to defend yourself against the accusations of others.
4. REFLECT ON YOUR VALUES AND PRIORITIES: Consider your vaues, priorities, and long-term goals in life.
   Think about what truly matters to you, what you want to be a priority in your personal and professional life.
   Reflect on your current commitments, do these align with your values and priorities.
   You might realise that you will no longer tolerate being spoken down to.
   You might realise that you value free time with your family.
   You might decide to prioritise your health and well-being.
   You may find you are neglecting your values and priorities because of work-related obligations or overtime hours worked.
   You may find the boundaries you have already set, are not being respected or backed up with actions.
5. SET BOUNDARIES BASED ON INSIGHTS: Based on your reflections and insights you get to set clear boundaries to protect your well-being and to honour your personal limits.
   You may find that your children are arguing and back-chatting over whose turn it is to wash or wipe the dishes, so you set up a roster with an appropriate time frame and reward or consequence when it is completed or not completed. (However you may want them to learn to do household duties without a reward/punishment situation, so they learn personal responsibility.)
   For example, your might decide to establish a boundary around your work hours, such as not checking emails after a certain time in the evening or not working on the weekends.
   You may communicate your boundaries assertively to colleagues and supervisors, expressing your need for work-life balance and realistic workload expectations.
   You may have to back your boundary up with actions to show you mean what you are saying. Otherwise they are empty words and will mean nothing to your colleagues or your supervisors. BE CLEAR AND DIRECT: Clearly state your boundary without beating around the bush.
   Use straightforward language to convey your message.
   For example: “I want to let you know that I need to set a boundary around my work hours. I will not be available to respond to emails or work -related messages after 6 p.m.”
   USE I STATEMENTS: Express your needs and preferences using ‘I’ statements to take ownership of your feelings and avoid placing blame on others.
   For example: “I feel overwhelmed when I take on too many projects at once. Moving forward, I need to prioritise my workload and set realistic deadlines.”
   SET CONSEQUENCES (IF NECESSARY): Clearly communicate the consequences of crossing your boundaries, do this in a respectful manner. Remember boundaries are all about you, what you want to see, what you will do if your values or priorities as stated are not respected, you are not trying to change anyone else’s behaviour.
   This helps to reinforce the importance of respecting your boundaries.
   For example, “If I receive a work-related calls after my designated work hours, I won’t be able to answer them until the next business day. I appreciate your understanding.”
   BE FIRM BUT POLITE: Maintain a firm tone of voice while also being polite and respectful. Firmness shows you are committed to upholding your boundaries, while being polite helps you maintain positive relationships.
   For Example: “I understand that this project is urgent, but I’ve already committed to completing another task by the end of the day. I won’t be able to take on additional work at this time.”
   PROVIDE ALTERNATIVES (IF POSSIBLE) Offer alternatives, substitutes or compromises when appropriate to show you are willing to work together to find solutions that respect everyone’s needs.
   For example: I’m unable to attend the meeting during my lunch break, but I am available to join via zoom afterward. Would that work for every one?

By understanding your values and priorities you are able to set clear personal limits and boundaries.
And follow through on enforcing them.
When you know yourself and what is important to you, you are able to set your standards to keep what is important to you in tact.

Until next time, Investigate your personal limits, and create one boundary you are willing to enforce to uphold your values and priorities.

oxoxo Linda

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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When you are ready to make a transformational difference in your life, contact me for a one on one coaching session.