Everything we do, we do, for the emotion we believe it will give us.
The way we do, what we do, determines how we feel about what we are doing.
Hello, My Friends
Just when you start thinking you have an area of your life sorted, something comes along and upsets everything.
Thinking is always at the root of everything.
The other day I was doing my usual house hold duties, when I captured a glimpse of history repeating itself. I was indulging in the old and all too familiar thinking and feeling of being a martyr. My brain was running through all the reasons I was hard done by. It started slagging off on my husband and all the things he wasn’t doing. I captured the thought, “If I don’t do it, it will never get done.”
That one thought on it’s own has cost me more peace of mind than I want to think about.
Using the E-S-E-T-B-A-R format, I mentally ran through all the things that were triggering me.
E- Event. This is the physical trigger, and for me it was remaking the bed. I’d completely stripped the bed and was in the process of remaking it with the clean linen, fresh off the clothes line. This is an environmental trigger, because I always leave remaking the bed until just before we need to get into it. Then I expect it to be easy, when I’m tired, I also have the unspoken expectation that the other occupant of the bed will help. (How can he when I didn’t ask or let him know I was doing this task?) Martyrdom at her best.
S- Sensation. This is the feeling I have in my body. I’m tired, weary and emotionally drained. My body is sapped of energy and just wants to rest. Feeling tension in my shoulders and neck.
E- Emotion. This is the one word that describes the feelings that are surging through my body. This particular evening I was feeling “pissed off” “unappreciated”
T- Thought. This is the sentence that hides behind the emotion. For me it was #1.”If he loved me, (which he does by the way.) If he loved me he would help me make this bed.” #2 “He knows it has to be made every week. ” #3 “I don’t know why I’m the only one to make the bed each week?” (Now we’re moving into a pity party and exaggeration.)
B- Belief. This is the underlying subconscious programme that runs in the background on default, and if it is a self sabotaging one, that isn’t monitored regularly it will derail all your best intentions. So my underlying belief was “If he loved me, he would help me, (without being asked, is the undertone).” (My being loved by my husband has nothing to do with bedmaking.) It has to do with my inability to ask to have my needs met.
A- Action. This is the physical act of doing something. I made the bed, ungraciously, and with a bad attitude. Did I have a sense of satisfaction, gratitude and joy? Nope, Only grumbling, moaning, and blaming. Was the bed made, Yes. So the action that needed to be done got completed. Did the emotional need of having beauty, peace and grace get fulfilled? Not so much.
R-Result. This is the final product. Bed made-Yes. Happy and contented woman- Nope. Happy and contented man – Definitely not. (The energy in that room was ice cold, even though the air temperature was hot) The way we do anything affects everything. I made the bed, however the emotional satisfaction and fulfillment were non existent.
Everything we do, we do for a feeling.
What was the feeling I was looking for in making the bed?
Beauty, rest and appreciation. Did I get them? Not that night.
This is an example of how our brain, body and emotions work together. Making a bed is such a mundane activity, how can it stir up so many emotions and cause so much contention between two people, one who wasn’t even aware he was in the firing line.
It wasn’t the bed. And it wasn’t the helper. It was the way I was thinking about making the bed and about the perceived lack of help and support. This whole emotional saga could have been avoided, A. If I’d made the bed earlier, when I wasn’t so tired. B. If I’d asked for help, making sure my request was heard. C. If I’d decided that I wanted the bed made, so I’d happily make it. D) Not have changed all the bedding on the same day.
The purpose of my sharing this bedmaking episode is to give an example of how our thinking can blow an unemotional event into a full out, emotional melt down, and how we draw other unwitting people into the drama of our minds, by putting meaning on thoughts and actions that don’t actually have any meaning, until we give them meaning.
I use the E-S-E-T-B-A-R system of coaching to enable us to see how everything is interconnected. Our actions and our thoughts never stand alone.
This system will give structure to limiting beliefs, to emotional outburst, to decision making, to healing our past, to thinking into our future on purpose.
Until next time, think about the daily activities you do that have you feeling less than your best, and think about what is triggering (event) your feeling, (sensation), what emotion are you feeling, and what are you thinking about, (The task, a person, yourself). Ask yourself what you believe to be true about the thoughts you are thinking. (Belief) How do these emotions and thoughts make you show up? In the task, with this person? (Action) and do you like it, are you feeling proud of yourself? What emotion do you want to be feeling right now? (Result)
As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way.
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When you are ready to make a transformational difference in your life, contact me for a one on one coaching session.