There is nothing wrong with anger provided you use it constructively.
It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either. Wayne Dyer
Hello, My Friends.
I have been away visiting with my daughter and her children. The weather was wet and cold, It makes me appreciate the warmth from the fire. On the Friday before I returned home both daughters, 6 children and I went through the National Aquarium of New Zealand. A fabulous space, lots of history and sea life. We had the privilege of watching the sharks being fed by two divers through a clear tunnel. The fish know the routine of when and where they get fed.
There were two things I liked. The first was the stingray being fed, he came up to the diver sideways, snapped up the fish, then went gliding over our heads so we could see his happy face smiling at us. The second was a huge turtle, who initially was difficult to distinguish from the background when he was resting in the corner, looking like one of rocks. I was totally blown away by the size and gracefulness of this turtle as he swam in the enclosure.
This week I’ve been pondering a couple of questions?
What is it that annoys me about people showing anger?
Why do I need to try to make those feeling anger feel better?
Since I’ve been staying with children, who tend to get upset rather vocally, and show there anger when things don’t go as they want. This particular anger alarm button was pushed a few times while I was away.
I found myself wanting to smooth things over and reinstate the peace, when tempers flared. Their mum on the other hand, allowed the children to feel the emotion, and express it safely, as they wanted, while they worked their way through the issue that caused the flare up.
It has been interesting to note that once the situation is over, it is over. The children don’t seem to harbour any ill will with their siblings.
In comparing this to my childhood, where anger was an emotion that wasn’t allowed to be shown and definitely not expressed. Resentment seemed to run high, and continued on into adulthood until it was deliberately looked at and acknowledged.
Back to the anger. What emotion does anger show? Anger for me is an emotion that rises when I feel someone has trodden on one of my “rights”, That I haven’t been treated fairly, or someone close to me hasn’t been treated as they deserve.
The dictionary defines anger as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. We often associate anger as a negative emotion, one to be avoided, or squelched. Sometimes we’ll eat to cover our anger, or gamble, drink, shop, or work to avoid having to face the things that trigger our anger.
As an adolescence I learned to use my anger to get things done. I could chop wood as good as my brothers, clean the house, even taking up running was an escape to stop feeling the angry emotions.
Now all these years later I’m learning how to live my life by accepting my anger, and letting it sit in my life. Investigating with intrigue what my perceived right was that I felt was violated. I’m learning I don’t actually have to do anything with the feelings. They are only energy vibrations moving about in my body. Anger is my friend and is trying to tell me something about the situation I am in.
With the children over this last week, I was not directly involved in any of the altercations, although, I struggled to sit on the outside and listen to the angry voices of the children as their mum calmly talked them through the situation. I asked myself why their anger was having such a strong re-action within me? What was the belief that I had around the unhappy, strongly expressed emotions of the children.
I discovered that like many people of my ‘generation’ I grew up in the age where children were meant to be seen but not heard. We were taught on a subconscious level to be invisible. Not to make a fuss, not to make a noise, and certainly yelling and crying were things you did in private away from everyone else. We were taught you ignored the unpleasant and got on with the task at hand, or you created a task to get on with to distract yourself. Happiness was acceptable, unhappiness was not.
Now my question to you is. Do you have a reaction to your anger or to anyone else’s anger? What do you do with your angry feelings?
Are they allowed to be? Without you having to take any action to down play them, or to avoid them.
What would happen if you sat with them and let them show you where you feel that something in your life is unfair, where one of your ‘rights’ have been violated?
Then what would happen if you took action to put safe boundaries around the place of the unfairness or violation, coming from love and respect for yourself, rather than anger at the other person, or yourself.
By taking charge of your emotion you gain control over your life. You get to choose how you feel, about what you’re feeling and what behaviour you will and will not accept in your life. When you come from a place of love and self-respect you will receive that back.
The manner in which you gain anything determines the outcome of that thing.
There is no happy ending to an unhappy journey.
Anger is an emotion. The thought behind the emotion is what drives you to act or react.
In my case the thought was a belief from my childhood that children should be seen and not heard. Which can be translated to ‘angry and unpleasant emotions’ are not to be seen.
In my choosing to investigate this thought without judgement or condemnation, I can change it and choose a better thought about how to deal with mine or anyone else’s anger.
This change in thought, gives you back the power in your life.
When making a choice, choose from a place of love and self-respect this builds confidence in yourself and gets you closer to what you want you in your life.
1/ Identify the emotion: It will always be one word. (Angry)
2/ Identify the thought behind the emotion: It will be the sentence you are thinking about. (Children should be seen and not heard)
3/ Ask: Does this thought serve me? Does it lead me in a direction I want to go? Does it empower me?
4/ If the answer to any of the above questions are NO: Choose a different thought. (Anger is my friend and tells me something about this situation.)
5/ Decide on purpose if any action needs to be taken. Choose action that gives you power from a place of love and self-respect.
6/ Everything you do or don’t do is determined by a feeling. Identify the feeling you want to feel and create it on purpose.
There is always a split second between someone or somethings action and your re-action, learn to use this time to pause, to think, then to choose your action.
Remember: Thoughts create beliefs. Thoughts also create feelings. Feelings create Actions. Actions create habits and habits create your life.
Choose the best thoughts.
Till next time. Be your most authentic self.