Week 2: Becoming Compassionate- Understanding Why I Leave Myself

This is the second week in the Becoming Self-Present series. In Week 1, we began noticing the moments we leave ourselves. This week, we gently begin to understand why those patterns exist. You don’t need to change anything—only stay curious as you read.

Welcome to Authentic Living Coaching.
I’m Linda Codlin, Transformational Life Coach.
Welcome, my friends.

Week 2: Becoming Compassionate- Understanding Why I Learned to Leave Myself.

Once awareness begins, something very natural often happens.
We start to see the ways we have been leaving ourselves more clearly… and then, almost immediately, another layer can appear.
Judgement.
It can sound like:
·         “Why do I do this?”
·         “I should know better by now.”
·         “I shouldn’t still be like this.”
But nothing about self-abandonment begins with failure.
It begins with adaptation.
This week is not about fixing the pattern you noticed last week. It is about meeting it with understanding—because what is understood no longer needs to be fought.
And what is no longer fought can begin to soften.

The Lesson: Why Self-Abandonment Develops

Self-abandonment is not a personality trait. It is a nervous system strategy.
At some point, staying fully connected to yourself may have felt:
·         unsafe
·         overwhelming
·         rejected
·         or too costly in relationship
So your system did something intelligent.
It learned to adapt by leaving small parts of your internal experience.
Not to disconnect from life—but to stay in it.

People pleasing, over-functioning, emotional suppression, perfectionism—these are often not signs of weakness. They are signs of a system that learned:
“It is safer to adjust myself than to risk disconnection.”

This is why compassion matters here.
Because you cannot shame a strategy that once kept you safe into disappearing.
But you can understand it… and slowly begin to choose something new.

My Story

The more I explored my patterns, the more I realised I wasn’t weak.

My nervous system had become incredibly skilled at anticipating everyone else’s needs before I noticed my own.

It wasn’t because I lacked boundaries.

It was because somewhere along the way my system had learned that harmony felt safer than honesty.
I learned that being seen was unsafe, invisibility meant preservation, survival was more important than the situation at hand.

Recognition:

You Might Begin to See This Pattern As…
·         I learned to prioritise others to stay safe in connection
·         I became good at sensing what others needed before I sensed myself
·         I learned that my needs were “too much” or “inconvenient”
·         I stayed quiet to avoid conflict or rejection
·         I adapted my behaviour to maintain harmony
·         I disconnected from my body to cope with emotional intensity
·         I became responsible for other people’s emotional states
None of this is wrong.

It is intelligent adaptation.

And understanding this begins to soften the inner tension.

Practice:

The Moment of Compassionate Recognition
When you notice yourself judging a pattern this week, pause gently.
Place one hand on your body.
Take a slow breath.
And ask:
·         What was this part of me trying to protect when it learned this pattern?
·         What did it need at the time that it didn’t receive?
·         Can I see this as intelligence, not failure?
You are not trying to change anything.
You are learning to meet yourself differently.

Reflection Questions:

1.    What patterns of self-abandonment became clearer for me after Week 1?
2.    When I notice these patterns, what is my immediate inner reaction?
3.    What do I think I learned about staying safe in relationships or environments growing up?
4.    How might my nervous system have adapted to those experiences?
5.    What feels more true now: that I am broken, or that I adapted intelligently?
6.    What softens in me when I view my patterns through compassion instead of judgement?
7.    What does understanding begin to change in how I relate to myself?

Gentle Closing

As we begin to understand why we learned to leave ourselves, something softens. Compassion starts to replace judgement, creating the safety needed to look a little deeper.

Next week, we’ll gently explore what self-abandonment has cost us—not to dwell on what was lost, but to lovingly rediscover the parts of ourselves that have been waiting to come home.

Self-presence is not something we achieve. It is something we begin to understand.

oxo Linda

Share Your Reflection

You might like to take a few moments to notice what stood out to you as you read.
What are you becoming aware of in your body, your thoughts, or your responses?
You may find it helpful to gently observe this over the next few days — patterns often become clearer with time and awareness.
If it feels supportive, you’re invited to reflect a little more deeply here:

👉 Share your reflections (this opens a short reflection form)

If You’d Like to Explore This Further

If something in this stirred recognition, and you feel curious about understanding yourself more deeply, you’re warmly invited to take the next step.
I offer a free 30-minute introduction to coaching — a gentle, no-obligation space to meet, ask questions, and sense whether this work feels right for you.

👉Book a free 30-minute introduction

Continue Your Journey

This post is part of the Becoming Self-Present series: Coming Home After Self-Abandonment
You are welcome to move through this series in order or begin wherever you are.
← Previous Reflection
Week 1: Becoming Aware — Noticing Where I Leave Myself (Self-presence is not something we achieve. It is something we begin to notice.)
↓ Current Focus
Week 2: Becoming Compassionate — Understanding Why I Learned to Leave Myself (Self-presence is not something we achieve. It is something we begin to Understand.)
→ Next Step
Week 3: Becoming Loyal– Practicing Staying with myself (Self-presence is not something we achieve. It is something we begin to practice.)
Week 4: Becoming Self-Present – Feeling at home within myself (Self-presence is not something we achieve. It is something we begin to live.)