Mastering Non-Manipulative Gift Giving

Welcome to Authentic Living Coaching
I’m Linda Codlin, Transformational Life Coach.

Welcome, My Friends.

What to do when you discover you are actually being a manipulative gift giver?

Firstly, well-done and congratulations on becoming aware that this is a trait you have, and one you want to shift.
It takes courage to acknowledge to ourselves areas that are not measuring up as we might think they are, or as we would want them to.

Are you ready to dive into this topic of retraining yourself to give gifts with authentic generosity?

When you master the art of giving gifts authentically, you’ll find that giving feels lighter, freer, and more rewarding.

You can let go of keeping tally of who owes, whom what. Increasing your energy to do the things you really want to do.

1. Reflect on Your Intentions.
   Begin by asking yourself why you are giving.
   Remember gifts can be tangible and intangible, as well as spiritual or symbolic.
   Before giving a gift, or purchasing something for someone, giving your time, organizing an experience or any type of activity that could be misunderstood.
   Stop for a moment, pause, then ask yourself a few questions.
   Answer them as honestly as you can. Not with what you think is the ‘nice’ or ‘right’ answer, but with your truthful heart felt responses.
   Am I giving this to make someone happy or to make myself feel something in return (like appreciation, loyalty, or a favour)?
   Do I expect something in return for this gift-maybe gratitude, or loyalty, or beholdenment, or even guilt?
   Am I trying to control or influence the recipient’s feelings or actions?
   Remind yourself that a true gift has no strings attached, or any hidden agenda’s hidden in the gift.
   It’s purpose is to bring joy or value to the receiver without expectation of getting anything back.
   Journal or Meditate: Write or think deeply about your intentions, this can help you uncover subconscious patterns driving your behaviour.
2. Separate Generosity from Validation.

Acknowledge your emotional needs. One of the reasons we give gifts manipulatively comes from a desire to feel appreciated, loved or in control.
Recognize that these needs are valid, and can be fulfilled from yourself. You can give yourself appreciation, authentic love, and bring the areas of your life that you feel are out of control back into your responsibility.
Practise self validation by affirming your worth, without relying on the reactions of others. Build your sense of value through self-care, self-compassion and activities that bring you joy and satisfaction.

3. Practise Giving Without Strings Attached.

When deciding to give a gift, set a clear intention, that you won’t bring it up again later, or expect anything in return.
Consider the gift from the recipients perspective.
What they truly appreciate, need or enjoy? This shifts the focus away from your intentions and towards their well-being.
Try giving simple, thoughtful gift that reflect the receivers interests or needs, rather than gifts that are meant to impress or obligate them to you.
Release all expectations, give the gift knowing they are able to choose to do what they want with it, once you have given it to them. This might include giving it to someone else.

4. Communicate With Honesty.
   If you are using gifts to express your feelings, consider using words instead. Make your words real, heart-felt and genuine.
   If you use words to control or manipulate, the recipient will know. Share your feelings, your true thoughts and they will know you mean what you are saying.
   Be honest with yourself, when you are tempted to give a gift to influence someone, acknowledge the urge and choose a different, more honest way to communicate your feelings.
   Journal your feelings and thoughts, watching to see patterns that may emerge.
5. Reflect on the Relationships in Your Life.

Is there an imbalance of the power dynamics in your relationships?
Do you have to always be in control of what is going on? Why? What are you afraid will happen if you lose control?
Do you use gifts as a way of ‘buying’ love, affection, loyalty or control in certain relationships?
Usually the reason we use gifts to buy people, is we have a secret belief that we have nothing else to offer, and that people won’t actually like the real us, if we were to show that side to them.
Have you considered that these people might actually like you without your needing to feel like you have to ‘buy’ them.
Trust the relationship, healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and care, rather than transactional exchanges.
Be honest with them, ask for their honest feedback on how they feel when you give them gifts.
Be open to hearing their perspective without defensiveness.

6. Non-Material Acts of Kindness.

Instead of giving material gifts, offer your presence- your time and your attention.
Listen, help with a task, or spend quality time together. (Remember to make the time relevant to the receiver.)
Choose to celebrate your relationships without gifts, create new and interesting ways to show your love and affection.
You could organize a simple picnic, or write a heartfelt note, or create an experience that builds positive memories.
Every day we each have many opportunities to show kindness through our actions, simple ways, like holding the door open for the person behind you, asking the person in the office with you if they want a coffee, when you go to make one for yourself.

7. Forgive Yourself and Practice Self-Compassion.

You have made a huge discovery, changing habits takes time.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip into old habit patterns. Acknowledge the behaviour, learn from it, and commit to doing better.
Remember that manipulative behaviours often come from past experiences and unmet emotional needs.
Be kind as you move through new situations in a new way.
Becoming emotionally dependent upon yourself, means facing your need for validation, your fear of being rejected, or not being good enough, and learning you have the ability to fill all these needs in a healthy and wholesome way.
No personal beat-ups are allowed, only grace and compassion.

8. Develop New Habits of Giving.
   Try acts of generosity that don’t involve material things.
   You could volunteer your time, do something like working in a community garden, serves two purposes, you have a tangible result and a garden is therapeutic.
   You could offer to help someone with a task, just because you want to.
   You could genuinely compliment someone, let them know how much you appreciate them with your words, or a simple card.
   Part of learning a new way of giving is to ask them directly what they want or need, or observe their preferences, instead of presuming you know what they want.
   You might like to practice giving anonymously, find a recipient and give a gift they will appreciate without them knowing it was you.
   This removes any expectation of recognition or reciprocation.
9. Consider Professional Support.

If you are finding your manipulative tendencies come from deeper issues, like unresolved trauma, insecurity, or fear of rejection, unworthiness, or low self-esteem issues, working with a coach or a therapist can help you to unfurl and heal these root causes.
A coach or therapist can give you tools to make your journey easier and more successful. Enabling you to explore your deeper motivations and patterns, giving you space to practice growing more authentic with yourself and your relationships.

By focusing on giving from a place of love and generosity, you’ll find your relationships become more authentic and fulfilling.
This journey is not about being perfect- it’s about growing into the fullness of the person you are already in an authentic way.

Until Next Time:
Pick one aspect you want to work on, and be deliberate with what, how, and to whom you give your next gift to.
Begin today to gifts of yourself, your time, your ideas to others. Begin to value yourself.

oxoxo Linda.

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As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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