Understanding Gifts: Intentions Matter

Welcome to Authentic Living Coaching
I’m Linda Codlin, Transformational Life Coach.

Welcome, My Friends.

I am feeling very grateful for the life I have right now.
Looking back over the years, I remember wishing for something more than I had.
Not really believing I could ever really have it, but dreaming and wanting it anyway.
Now here I am, years later and I am living a life similar to my dreams, not exactly, but the feeling state is as I thought it would be.
My brother who had a car accident at the end of 2023, is also doing really well.
This past week has seen him move into his own flat. This is a major achievement and for him to get here has taken him a lot of work.
I am feeling so very grateful that he has a strong constitution.

This week I want to talk about gift giving and gift receiving.

My beginning question was, ‘What was the last gift you gave?’
This got me thinking about what exactly constitutes a gift?
I’d like to think a gift is something that is given freely and without the expectation of receiving something in return.
A gift can take many forms, for the tangible items to the intangible gestures depending on the the context and the intention of the giver.

1. What constitutes a gift?
   A tangible gift is a physical item, like a book, flowers, jewellery, homemade gifts, something that can be handed to someone else. These are often viewed as being traditional gifts.
   An intangible gift can be seen as an action. This can be gifting your time, your attention, your encouragement and your forgiveness. Giving the gift of time, being fully present with someone, is a powerful gift, so is supporting someone going through a tough time without judgement. Letting go of resentment or giving the gift of a fresh start is a transformative gift that only the giver can give. The gift of sharing an experience crosses between both tangible and intangible, the intangible gift can be given as a promise, and move into the tangible as the promise is fulfilled. Sharing moments together can create lasting memories, things like watching a sunset together, hiking, or sitting in the shade of a big beautiful tree, can far outweigh physical object.
   There are also symbolic or spiritual gifts, which are the energy we give to others, and could look like words of affirmation, or prayer, energy healing or emotional support.
   The core of the gift lies in the givers intention- if it’s offered as an act of generosity, care, or thoughtfulness then the receiver will be blessed.
2. Does the intention of the gift giver determine to gifts value?
   When a gift is given with love, care and sincerity, often the gift will hold deeper value than an expensive gift, given without thought or connection to the recipient’s needs and personality.
   The meaning behind the gift often matters more than the object itself, it demonstrates understanding and appreciation, which increases the gifts value.
   An example, might be a hand written note may carry more emotional meaning than an elaborate but impersonal token gift.
   When a gift like time, attention or acts of service are are given, it the willingness and attitude of the giver to invest their energy into the recipients life that add value to the gift.

The impact of the gift is in the impact it makes on the person receiving the gift. A gift has the ability to convey love, connection, and care. It doesn’t matter what form it takes.
What type of gift do you find the most meaningful?

Sometimes gifts are given with strings attached.
These strings, or intentions might be to manipulate, control, or to create a sense of obligation to the giver, by the recipient. This makes the gift transactional and is designed to serve the giver’s interests rather than the receivers well-being.
Let’s have a look at some of these gifts and how to work around them.

The nature of the gifts intention.

1. Manipulative Gifts:
   These gifts come with strings attached, sometimes the strings are easy to see, other times the strings are invisible and only become apparent after the gift is received and the giver then comes to claim the unspoken contract clause.
   The giver may expect loyalty, or gratitude, or a favour in return. And mostly these aspect are not explicitly stated, they are an undercurrent emotion.
2. Obligation Gifts:
   These gifts may be significant, the giver may aim to instill guilt, or an indebtedness in the receiver, this makes the recipient feel like they ‘owe’ something in return. The ‘owing’ in return is not stated, it’s a feeling that the giver can at any time call on the recipient, and they ‘have-to’ do what is asked of them.
3. Dymanic Power Gifts:
   These gifts are used to establish and reinforce the power imbalance by subtly asserting control over the recipient. This is the feeling stated or unstated of ‘you wouldn’t be where you are without me’.

The intention of these types of gifts are to impact the receiver emotionally.
A recipient often senses the hidden agenda behind the gift and feels uneasy or trapped knowing they are being coerced, sometimes the receiver may feel beholden to the giver, especially if the gift is extravagant, over-the-top, or unnecessary, which increases the feelings of guilt or indebtedness especially if the gift wasn’t asked for.
When a gift is intended to manipulate or generate a feeling of beholdenment, the receiver may feel empty and feel the burdened by receiving the gift.

How to discern the true intention of the gift giver?

1. Gift Giving Patterns:
   Watch how you feel when you are given a gift. Is the gift, or past gifts been given to influence you, to sway your opinion of the giver.
   What conversations have happened after the gift is given? Does the giver bring up the gift often?
2. Unspoken expectations:
   These show up as hints or digs about the gift that was given.
   The giver may refer to the gift often, or ask where it is, and be offended if it isn’t in a focal space of display.
   A gift may be given with a set use in mind, for example the gift may be given a pie maker, the intention behind the gift is that the recipient will bake pies for the giver.
3. Gut- Intuitive Feeling:
   When you intuitively sense that a gift is coming from a place of generosity or from a place of control, follow and trust yourself.

What to do when these types of gifts are given?

1. Acknowledge the gift without commitment:
   Receive the gift graciously, without implying you are indebted to the giver.
   Do not over-explain or over-apologize, be polite, say ‘thank you for thnking of me’ without gushing ‘oh you shouldn’t have’ this implies you are now in debt to them.
2. Set boundaries.
   If you find you are repeatedly on the receiving end of manipulative gifts, it is okay to establish boundaries, and even decline future gifts.
   You could say something like, ‘I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can’t receive this gift.’
   Be prepared to be very firm, if the intention is to control you, the giver may not be willing to back down easily.
3. Detach Emotionally.
   Remember receiving a gift does not oblige you to the giver. The givers intention reflects on them, not on you.
   The gift doesn’t have to mean anything unless you give it the power to.
   It the giver wants to gain power over you with the gift, you can hand the gift back, and bring the motive into focus by stating something like, ‘I do not want this gift, it feels like it has strings attached, I don’t want to be obliged to recipicate in the future.’
   The gift giver is likely to act offended, their reaction is not your concern, be polite, be kind, and state how you are feeling without judgement.
4. Reflect on the Relationship.
   If this is a recurring trend, it might be worth investigating the value of the relationship, is it balanced and healthy.
   What are you getting from being in this relationship?
   Are you enjoying the benefits of the gifts? Especially if the are large expensive gifts.

What is the value you are receiving from these types of gifts.

Manipulative gifts often loses it’s value because it’s tainted by the giver’s ulterior motive.
If you as the recipient can reframe the experience to view it as a lesson in discerning the intentions and motives of other people, and in how you can maintain your personal boundaries.
You can do some soul searching as to what you get out of receiving these gifts. Or maybe you find you are the manipulative giver, figuring out what the need is that you are trying to get filled by manipulating others, then begin to fill that need within yourself.

Next week we will investigate how to stop being the manipulative gift giver.

Until Next Week: Take a wander through your home, notice the gifts you have been given and the way you feel about the gift, and the giver.
Does this item bring you joy? Is it beautiful and does it have wonderful memories attached to it?
Would you be able to pass it onto someone else without guilt or feeling you are being ungrateful to the giver?
These items have an impact on our energy.

oxoxo Linda.

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As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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