WHY IS MARRIAGE SO HARD?

Miscommunication, lack of self-awareness, and unmet needs contribute to the difficulty of marriage. However, understanding oneself, honest communication, and individual responsibility can alleviate conflict and enrich the relationship.

Welcome to Authentic Living with Linda
I’m Linda Codlin

Welcome, My Friends.

I’ve been thinking about relationships, especially those relationships with loved ones.
Our partners or spouses. Sometimes being married can be one of the most difficult things, and at others it’s the most joyous thing.

WHY ARE MARRIAGES SO HARD?

When two people from differing genders, backgrounds, cultures join together in matrimony, or couple up, they bring with them ALL their family beliefs, ALL their conditioning and expectations, ALL their hopes and dreams and this can create challenges.
It has been said that men and women come from different planets, and if you have ever had a friendship or relationship with the opposite gender you will realize there is an element of humour and truth in this statement.

Men and women can both hear the same statement, but each will react or respond in completely different ways.
Men and women complement each other, they each bring a uniqueness to their relationship that can enhance the other.

MARRIAGE CAN BE HARD DUE TO MISCOMMUNICATION.

Miscommunication is a major reason marriage can be so hard.
She hears one thing, and he hears something else. Wires get crossed, tempers get frayed and words are spoken, sometimes harshly.
Each partner has their own biases, he may have made an innocent statement, but she heard it as an insult.
We have heard of Chinese whispers where one sentence is whispered from one person to the next, and by the time it comes around the circle to the original speaker the sentence is nothing like it was when it was first spoken.
Each one of us has history, that history leaves an imprint in our body and mind.

KNOWING OURSELVES BEFORE MARRIAGE.

In my mind it is really important that we get to know ourselves before we commit to another person in a close relationship.
I think about my first marriage, he was a lovely man.
Both of us were young and we didn’t have any life experience.
By the time we had been married five years we had four children.
Each of us coped in our own ways, neither of us in my opinion had the skills to communicate in a way the other could hear.
Fast forward 24 years, we now each of us had a lot more life experience, hurts and pain.
Generally speaking at the hands of each other. We were in the space of trying to be ourselves and be together.
I can only speak for myself. I didn’t know who I was, and I so desperately needed to be loved I was willing to do almost anything to gain that love.
By the time we separated, we both knew we were not compatible and in all honesty hadn’t been for many years.

MARRIAGE IS HARD WHEN WE DON’T KNOW AND LIVE AUTHENTICALLY.

Life is about growth and change.
When we are confident in who we are, and are walking the path of our authenticity and meet someone walking a similar path, we can trust ourselves to face any and all misunderstandings with compassion and grace.
Two people sharing a common path can be dynamic and live changing.
I don’t believe marriage has to be hard, it is often our inexperience in sharing our souls with our loved ones that puts up walls between each of us.
When we see our conditioning show up, we can be honest about it firstly to ourselves and secondly to our loved ones.
When our loved ones conditioning shows up, we can offer support and grace as they move to understand themselves better.

CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE IS HARD.

It is my belief that if there is not some form of discussion, or disagreement or even conflict within a marriage or partnership relationship, one or the other in the relationship is not being honest with their emotions or feelings.
Let me explain what I mean.
I am not talking about all out screaming matches, fist fights, or door slamming swearing drama episodes. These are not healthy forms of dealing with emotions or feelings or conflict, these escalate the wall building, needing to protect yourself process. These episodes are the coping mechanisms of someone who is out of control
What I am talking about are the discussion you have about major life events, like the schooling choices you want for the children, like the type of vocation you want, the amount of travel involved, the sharing of the household chores and financial responsibilities. (These last two can be the biggest areas of conflict for a lot of relationships.)
It’s the way you sit, listen and hear, what the other is really saying, not the words necessarily, not the tone of voice, not the body language but the heart of what they are really saying. AND being heard when you share your heart.
Sometimes I wonder if compromising is just another word for giving in, in these situations are you the one always compromising, or are you one always getting everything you want.
What if there was a way you both could be heard, and have your needs met at the same time?

MARRIAGE IS HARD.

When we don’t feel like our needs are being met.
Do you fill your own needs?
Do you even know what your needs are, and how you want them to be met?
Your partner is not a mind reader.
You are not responsible for your partners happiness.
You are responsible for your own happiness.
You are not responsible for your partners emotions or feelings, they are responsible for how they feel and what they do about those feelings and emotions.
You are responsible for your own emotions and feelings, you are responsible for how you feel, and what you do with your feelings and emotions.

If each partner were to be responsible for their own feelings, thoughts, and emotions which translates into actions and beliefs would there even be conflict?
Now, Let’s take off the Pollyanna glasses, life is never smooth, people are not always responsible for their feelings, let alone their actions.
Life can be hard, life gives us challenges, life is beautiful and it is fulfilling and satisfying.

LIFE IS FOR LIVING, MARRIAGE IS FOR SHARING.

If your marriage is feeling hard, and you want someone to talk to about it, Email me on authenticlivingwithlinda@gmail.com to book a consultation time.
Or head over to Facebook you can find me @lindacodlin25 to book a consult with me.

I look forward to helping you to help yourself make your relationship less conflict filled, more satisfying and fulfilling, marriage doesn’t have to be hard.

Until next time: Ask yourself what needs am I expecting my partner, spouse to fill for me that I’m not filling for myself?

oxoxo Linda

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

If what I am sharing resonates with you, follow me, reach out, share with a friend, like or leave a message below,

When you are ready to make a transformational difference in your life, contact me for a one on one coaching session.