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Life is mine
Hello, My Friends
What a wonderful week it’s been! (Just try living without it. )
It’s been an anti procrastination week in my home, we have moved rooms around, so my office is in a better place for writing, and the client consultation room is situated for easier access. Hubby and I attacked the braiding of the dining chairs, I glued as he attached the braiding. We do make a really handy team. The best part is, the sense of satisfaction that another item is out of my brain. The chairs are no longer nagging at me.
What have you been procrastinating about? This item will be nagging at you, eating your energy and leaving you feeling tired when you haven’t done anything.
I have a quote on the wall of my office. It reads…
If you’re not ACTIVELY involved in getting what you want.
YOU DON’T REALLY WANT IT!!!!
I use this quote to remind me to stop wishing for something to happen, to make a plan, and then begin to make that plan a reality. Action gets results. If I don’t like my results, I change my actions. Which by the way always starts with how I’m thinking.
This week I’ve been thinking about the area that gives most of us the most amount of difficulty.
People are communally inclined. As such this can create conflict. Two people with differing points of view. Each thinking and believing they are right, which by default makes the other wrong.
Once we lock horns in this battle of right and wrong, it becomes a pride issue and changing your mind becomes almost impossible, even if you want to. You have a need to not lose face. Am I right?
I lived like this for more years than I care to admit, I stayed in a marriage well past it’s expiry date, because I didn’t want the nay-sayers (those people who in the early days, very opinionatedly informed me it would never work, he was so wrong for me.) to be right. So we lived in misery, while these people lived their lives in their own pot of misery or happiness, I’m not sure which anymore.
That’s the thing about opinions, they are someone else’s view of a situation. As opinions go, they give value in that they give a different perspective of the situation you are facing. Other people’s opinions must be taken as that, an opinion, and researched for yourself. If you choose to take advice, check that it is coming from a valid source and matches with your values.
I have found in the past, I have made decisions based on other people’s beliefs, and their agenda, which I must say was well hidden until after the decision was made. To find that once the decision was made I was locked into the consequences of that decision, whereas the advisor got to walk away, and take no care or responsibility for the decision.
Learning the hard way, to weigh up the advice with the proposed consequence negative and positive before deciding on the course of action I want to take, without becoming paralyzed by fear is an art in itself.
What has this got to do with relationships you may ask? Everything, It is all about learning to be 100% responsible for yourself, and your decisions. Both the past and the present ones. It is about seeing people as the are, rather than how we want them to be.
How often do we tell people what to do? Best intentions intended, without actually taking into account what is really needed. Some-times it’s support that is needed, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to all the poison and hurt, so it can be reduced. Some-times a friend may need a jab of tough love, a home truth or two from your outside perspective.
When all is said and done, the only person who can change their situation is the person in the situation.
You can’t change your friend, make her leave an abusive relationship, or make her stick to her eating plan. You can support her, and sometimes, you get to walk away and let her figure it out for herself.
Relationships can be tricky, because we believe we need other people to validate us, to tell us who we are and what we can and can’t do. When ever we allow others to make decisions for us, even the tiny ones, we give our power over to them. Sometimes this is exactly as it should be, relationships are about give and take, trust and support. The problem arises when you depend on others to make you feel accepted, to feel worthy, appreciated and important.
By giving these needs over to another, they have the ability to manipulate you.
One day you wake up and discover you have lost yourself, little by little your identity was stolen. One small decision at a time. You gave yourself away to keep the peace, to keep yourself ‘safe’. You gave away your power without knowing how important it was.
Now you want it back, the other person doesn’t want to let it go. Your struggle has multiplied. By implementing what my coach calls ‘The Red Velvet Rope Policy” you are able to regain your power one decision at a time.
The Red Velvet Rope Policy, is about deciding what you want in your life, and keeping everything that isn’t that, out. If they don’t have an invite into your life, then they are not permitted to enter. Should they muscle their way in, you have pre-decided on a set of actions that will occur. The first time they muscle past your rope, you take them back to the rope and inform them of the rules for entry, if they don’t choose to comply with your rules, they are denied access.
The only way this will work is if you are consistent, and that the rules are for your benefit. They are not a tool to control the behaviour of anyone else. The other person gets to choose what they want to do, they can either abide by the rule or not. If they choose, not, then they choose the result that you have previously decided would happen.
The red velvet rope policy is your safety zone, once you have begun to set safety zones around you to keep the trespassers out, you can extend your safety zone to prevent the flyby, hit and run saboteurs that take aim from the other side of the rope. This increases your ability to not be offended by the beliefs and opinions of other people.
As a life coach, I am able to empower you to put up strong and safe zones around your life. My contact details are below, if you want help taking back your identity. Email me, or find me on Facebook.
No more procrastinating. This is your week.
Email me at email@example.com
Find me on Facebook @authenticlivingwithlinda @lindacodlin25
Connect with me for a one on one coaching appointment.