Guilt: Being Responsible, Even When You’re Not.

Does feeling guilty keep you living a small life?
Are you over it?
You can work through your feelings of guilt and find your authentic self in the process.

Welcome to Authentic Living with Linda
I’m Linda Codlin

Welcome, My Friends.

As we move into February, I have chosen that this will be the month for relationship building.

People are the most interesting and most infuriating beings on the planet, I am sure of this with my limited experience.
Or maybe it is just the circle of people I am surrounded with.

People have a way of pushing our buttons, tripping over triggers, and digging up dirt we thought we had hidden.

Guilt is one emotion that makes people behave in weird ways.
As a child I grew up with an unhealthy dose of guilt.
In my childhood, guilt was used to make me mind, make me be obedient, to manipulate me to do what was wanted of me.
This guilt lead me into an unhealthy relationship with responsibility, and rebellion.

Do you have people in your life who know exactly which buttons activate guilt in your life?
Do these people use this guilt you are feeling to manipulate you, or to make you feel bad if you don’t do what they want?

One of the ways I have learned to let go of the feelings of guilt and the “need” to be responsible was to be brutally honest with myself.
Removing the unhealthy guilt triggers has not been easy and they continue to be a deeply hidden trigger that on occasion raises it’s head.
Usually after a person has tried to control me by using words or body language, and I have responded in a way that does not fit with my values.

Everything we go through has a reason and a purpose. Some of the hardest and messiest experiences I have been through have taught me the deepest lessons.

Guilt is incidious, for me, I recognise it as a thought before I recognise it as a feeling.
When I begin to doubt my worth, or my ability to do what I have been doing normally, when I want to please someone else at my expense, it is time to investigate the conversations and subtle, even unconscious cues I am collecting from those around me.

It might be as simple as someone inviting me somewhere. I think I’d like to go but I also have things I want to accomplish.
There is a slight tug of war within me, then the person inviting might pout a little, or say something like, “If I really cared, I’d go with them.”
They have just applied a little guilt trip for me to overcome.
The way I overcome this, is to ask myself.

What do I really want to do now, that is authentic to the real me?
What actions or thoughts will take me closer to my extraordinary goal in this moment?
What will my authentic self gain and what will my authentic self lose if I do this thing?

I centre on myself and my authentic needs.
Which may mean, I will go and have a fabulous time. Or I may decline, deciding to do what I had previously planned. I could then organise a more suitable time to do something with this person.
Depending on who is saying and acting in a way to trigger my guilt reflex response, I may have a conversation with them, explaining my feelings about how I feel about them whether I go to an event with them or not, and how I am not responsible for their feelings.
However, mostly I journal my feelings. Asking and answering these questions.

1. What was the triggering event?
2. What am I thinking around this event?
3. How and why I allowed myself to inappropriately respond?
4. What or how do I want to respond and think the next time a situation like this arises?
5. How can I be more responsible for me. Then I take responsibility for me. I take care of my authentic self, I take care of my emotions, my feelings, and the way I have and want to be at any given time.

How do you respond when some one places an expectation on you, or tries to make it your fault they are in the situation they are in, when it has nothing to do with you?

Remember you get to take charge of what you are responsible for, YOU.

You get to take charge of the things you have chosen to be in your circle of influence.

You have things that are yours to do. However you are never responsible for anyone else’s emotions or feelings.
Often what is happening is the person trying to guilt you into something, is trying to get you to take a responsibility that is theirs to own, they are out sourcing their emotions to you.
If like me, you pick up these emotions, or deeds which promise to give them a better feeling, you do this in ignorance, mostly unaware this is what is happening.
At some point you will feel overwhelmed with every thing you are doing, you will feel like you have lost your self by giving all your time and energy to others.
You may feel stressed, on the brink of burnout, ready to step away from everything and you may be suffering with ill health.

There is a way to recognise guilt, to stop trying to please other people, to give people the gift of empowerment by giving them back their responsibilities.
This also gives you the power to live your life, your way.

To step into freedom for you.
Most people I know who are triggered and controlled by guilt, have lost themselves, they don’t know what they really want, they don’t know how to acknowledge what they feel.
They have lived in denial of themselves for so long, that coming home to their authentic self is like living in a foreign country, with a language that is incomprehensible.

If this is you and your situation, I can help you to come home to your true desires.
I can guide you through discovering what you really want and what is someone else’s want for you.

If you feel you are not good enough, unworthy, inferior or a disgrace.
I want to reassure you that you can work through the events, and thoughts and feelings that are creating this perception about yourself.

Until Next time.
When you feel a pang of guilt, notice it, notice, Where you feel it in your body? Notice, What are you thinking about? Notice, What is happening around you?
By identifying these three points you can move more into your authentic self.

oxoxo Linda

As a certified Life Coach, I help you to help yourself, so you can create a well lived life your way. 

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