Silence, Isolation and Secrets.

Hello, My Friends

This week has flown by, we have been busy yet it seems like we aren’t any further ahead of our to do list.

One of my focus’ this week has been on cleaning up the house.

It’s almost the middle of winter and it seems like all the dust and dirt settles in for the winter. The surfaces have a layer of dust sprinkled over them, the kitchen seems to have accumulated items that don’t belong in the kitchen.

Usually I am a tidy bug, I put away and clean up after myself. My motto for years has been don’t put it down, put it away. However this past month or so, I have been doing a wee experiment with myself.

In Facebook I have been looking at the twins of guilt and shame in relation to judgment.

My self talk, was very judgmental. As a child I internalised the point of view that there was something wrong with me, when ever I was told off or punished, I took it to mean it was my fault, and as such I could fix it. I turned into the fix-me- I’m-broken person.

Have you ever sat in the middle of the floor, kids toys strewn every-where wondering what you are doing, and how you got here?

That was me, I promised myself I’d be better, and I was. I worked out systems on how to keep my home clean, especially once I got a home that I could clean easily.

My house was nearly tidyish, all the time, and if it was messy it would take less than 30 mins to straighten it out.

Judgment of myself and others was rife in my life. I figured that as a sub-standard person I didn’t deserve nice things and never expected or anticipated having nice things, I also had a fear that when I did have nice things they would be taken off me.

Looking back I’m amazed that I survived. Every day, probably 50 times a day I beat myself up, I reminded myself that I was useless, worthless and unlovable.

Can you relate? Do you feel like you are being swallowed by an ogre of disgust?

As I grew and changed, I realised something about judgment, it was a mirror. It mirrored what I was thinking and believing on the inside, in the deepest parts of my soul, to the outside world. It was like people around me could read me like a book and they were writing the story, setting up situations and events that triggered me to be less than I could be. It also mirrored what I believed other people thought about me. With a self belief that I wasn’t worthy, I allowed people to treat me badly without even being aware of it.

Depression and continual sadness is like a blanket that we hide under, it coats our soul and our true essence until we can’t see it any more. When we are in a dark space it is hard to believe that we are important to anyone, the darkness settles like dust on the surfaces of an unlived in house.

Some times we know the darkness is looming, yet we don’t seem to be able to pull back the curtains on the windows of our souls and let the light and love of those around us in. The light is too bright, the kindness is too hard to accept, an outstretched arm is to be avoided for fear of being tricked. We tend to curl up in the corner of our lives and shrink away from others.

Shame is like that, it creates disconnection in us, and with other people. We isolate thinking we’ll be safe. Some times we isolate as a test to see who will notice if we’re not there. We are asking, Will they miss us? Will they reach out to us? We build a story around the isolation that no-one really cares. What we don’t see, is the friendly outstretched arms, of family and friends who are trying to help, they’re reaching out, shining what light they have, encouraging us to join in. We misinterpret their good will as being judgie, nosy, or interfering. We mirror our belief about ourselves onto the helpers.

Shame keeps us small, invisible and silent. We hold onto deeds done to us in the years past, as though they happened today. We keep the secrets of our youth and childhood in fear that if others knew we really would be alone, isolated and exposed. We feel safe in keeping our secrets.

Secrets are poison they ooze toxic thoughts and beliefs into your soul, secrets feed depression, sadness and shame.

It is time to open the curtain a crack, let some-one you trust in to your shadows. It is time to speak to some-one about the things you hold onto, the events that have happened in your past that have you bound and unable to get free, even though you try and try and try.

It is time to reach out to your family and friends, to extend your hand to them and receive the support they are trying to give you. This process is messy, it is painful for everyone, it gives everyone the chance to grow.

Learning to let the secrets out and to grieve the hurt is turbulent and emotional. Letting shame go, learning to see yourself as worthy, and learning to believe it, takes courage.

Do you have the courage to open the door of silence and secrets, to release shame and the darkness that shame holds close?

Find a coach, or counselor, some-one you can trust to guide you on this path. Shame is sneaky and doesn’t like to leave easily, and generally will fight to stay.

You may even find yourself fighting for the shame and the habits that no longer help you but are comfortable to you. This is where support is so important.

It is my intention that you will be strong and reach out, you will see that there is hope for you, that you are cared for, that you are worthy and you always have been. I would love to hear your story and how you are moving along the path.

Part of my experiment was to leave the housework undone and see what judgment reared its head, whose voice it was that I heard, and how true these accusations were?

I was facing my fears and my guilt and shame, I realised the state of my home didn’t make me anything. I could still be me in a messy space as well as I could be me in a tidy space. I also discovered I prefer tidy and organised.

Cleaning house can be so therapeutic, Dusting, sweeping, wiping and clearing off surfaces. Eventually every thing is in it’s right place, and order is restored. I continue to be me, with a little less baggage.

Be brave and take the hand of some-one who wants to help you be your true authentic self.

xox Linda

#authenticlivingwithlinda

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